Motherhood Becomes Me

Hmmm... a blog... hmmmm... where to start? Hmmm...


I've been meaning to create my very 1st serious blog a long, long time ago. I just don't know what I should write about. I have been blogging, yes, but mostly it contains lyrics of the songs that I am able to relate to at the moment. Senseless!


I have always liked writing. I always put my thoughts in a diary, be it simple or grand. Blogging hasn't been my thing until I came across Brian Gorrell's blog and placed some comments on it (I'm sure you've heard of it)! It inspired me. I believe it's therapeutic. And since I am mostly online (and mostly idle), why not put my thoughts in a blog? Now that I have something to write about...


MOTHERHOOD. Strong word. Never really knew what it meant until I became one myself. Cliche? Yeah. But it really did change me. If you are a mom, I know you can relate with me. But I'm sure not all moms will. Who cares? I am just writing about it for my own, personal pleasure, and for those who might be going through the same experience as I am so, here goes...


I used to live my life thinking about: What to wear. What and where to eat for lunch. Work. What to buy for my bi-monthly salary. Paying the bills. Which movie to watch. Where to go for summer. Which bar to go to. Etc. Etc. Etc. Selfish, selfish lifestyle, I must say, but hey, you can't blame me. I'm a working girl. I ought to enjoy my life.


I thought getting married would eventually slow me down with the hustles and bustles of my so-called lifestyle. It slowed me down yes, but only a bit. After years of trying and failing to conceive (I have polycystic ovaries), I guess my lifestyle has become my comfort zone. My husband moving to Baguio has made it worse. We only see each other every other weekend or less. I acted like I was single again. Gimmicks here and there. Shopping here and there. Going everywhere! Geez, I was in a warp zone!


But I guess God really has a way of making things work for the better. He eventually prepared me for the "real" family life. Suddenly it was so easy for me to give up my job and my then precious lifestyle and move to Baguio with my husband. And the the day after my beloved Mommy Nitz (my mom-in-law) died , we found out I was more than 3 months pregnant! Talk about miracles! The feeling was half-happy, half-sad. My Mommy Nitz would have lived a bit longer if she knew I was pregnant because this would have been her first grandchild. But I guess she knew it all along. She just couldn't tell me because she was already fighting for her life then.


So, to make a long story short, after 4 long years of waiting, I finally gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on the 18th September 2007, Tuesday, 05:11AM via CS at the Cardinal Santos Medical Center (CSMC) in San Juan. Our dear Lorenzo Victor has finally arrived! Enzo, as we fondly call him, was 5 lbs. & 15 oz. Babies truly are a miracle! Despite all the pregnancy and labor pains, seeing my baby and hearing him cry for the very first time took all the pains away in an instant! What a joy!


But while I was inside the recovery room, instead of resting until I was brought to my hospital room, I was restless. I knew something was wrong. I knew I had to see my son at once! So 10:00AM came and they finally brought me to my room. I immediately asked my husband how our baby was. He said he was doing good. But I knew it was a lie. I just felt it. I felt it in every inch on my nerve. Mother's instinct. That's what it is. I knew there really was something wrong. I had to find out soon!


Just about then my dad and my sister got into my room from the nursery and asked why Enzo had an IV and oxygen on him. I was right! There was something wrong with my Enzo! I broke into tears and worried so much. I never felt that kind of worrying in my life. I always took things easy. Or should I say, I have always been the happy-go-lucky one that nothing ever worries me.


2:00PM seems to be taking forever to arrive for that was the time that the pediatrician assigned to my Enzo, Dr. Cynthia Padilla, would come and see us. I desperately needed to see her and talk to her at once. I wanted to know how my son was. So when she finally arrived, she told us what's wrong with our baby. That's when we found out that he has pneumonia, and worse, he has cleft palate / pierre robin syndrome, which was making his breathing difficult for him. He also had a hard time feeding. I was devastated. Things went running in my mind. My thoughts were cramming. What's worse is that they might even do tracheostomy on him if his breathing would not improve. But luckily he did not have to go through it. He did well with the ordinary oxygen.


I had too many emotions then. One emotion over another. But one thing's for sure, I feared for my son's life. I had no freaking idea how to deal with all his complications. I just wanted him to be healthy and safe. I want to hold him and make him feel that everything will be just fine... that mommy loves him and will take care of him.


So the next day when I was advised by my OB-Gyne, Dr. Greg Pastorfide, that I can start walking, I literally ran to the nursery ICU station to see my son. My heart melted when I saw him in his incubator. He was too tiny, too fragile. At first I was even scared to hold him because it seemed like I might hurt him. But then he looked at me as if he was saying: "Mom, don't be scared. I'll be okay..." It made me cry. I let my heart out. I did not care about the nurses and the doctors around me. I was sad. I was afraid. I was angry. I was helpless. I was overwhelmed with different emotions and different thoughts at that time. I just couldn't exactly tell how I felt at that moment. One thing was clear on my mind though, I had to be strong for my son. He needs me.


A week after giving birth, I had the go-signal from my OB-Gyne to go home. It was the hardest and saddest part... leaving my son in the NICU because he was still not fit to come home with me. He still had jaundice and pneumonia and he still cannot breathe well without the oxygen and he was having a difficult time feeding because of his cleft palate / pierre robin syndrome that's why he was not gaining weight. An ounce of milk will take him forever to finish. It was so, so sad. My heart was crushed. I just could not take the sadness anymore. It felt like he will be taken away from me anytime. It was so, so sad. Just plain, pure sadness. So even if I had just given birth, I had to see him in the hospital twice a day. I just can't stay at home and think about him. I had to see him. I had to hold him. I wanted him to feel that I was just right there for him... loving him and taking care of him. I have to be with him.


God truly works in miraculous ways. He has a way of making you feel better in the midst of all the pains and worries. He really does make things better for you. After two long weeks (3 days before my 31st birthday), we were able to bring our dear Enzo home! I never felt better. I never felt complete. He was the missing piece not just in my and my husband's life but in lives of my families most especially my in-laws. He was the replacement for his Lola Nitz.


He eventually got better as the days pass since he got home. But then, another sad news came. The results of his New Born Screening just got out. He was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism! I cannot believe it! I was starting to feel the sadness, the fear, and the anger again. The mixed emotions are coming back to me again and this time, I was not sure if I could handle them once more. I was so, so afraid. Tests here and there were done on my poor baby. He was crying most of the time but I, too, was helpless. I can't do anything to stop the needles from getting into his nerves. Those tests were needed to be done just so proper medication will be given to him and save him from mental retardation.


By this time, my thoughts were getting the best of me. I was so tempted to be angry and question God why He had to give all these complications to my son. He doesn't deserve them. It just wasn't fair. He's innocent. But I stopped myself from questioning Him because I knew I had done so many stupid, stupid things in my life and hurt a lot of people and I believe in karma. This was my karma. The emotional turmoils, the worries, the guilt, everything! With this thought, I prayed with all my heart. I don't think I ever prayed so hard in my life. The prayer that I made then was the most emotional one. I did not ask for anything grand. Just for forgiveness and the stregnth to accept the things that were happening. I most especially thanked Him for He gave me the most precious gift I have been nagging Him about. He gave us Enzo.


Since then, things got better. He is now 6 months and 17 days old as of this writing. He is much, much better now. He has been gaining weight fast. Thanks to his haberman feeder (courtesy of his Tita Rona from Canada) he was able to feed so well. So well, that he won't stop feeding. Hehehe... He is now the typical baby boy who moves a lot, throws tantrums and, at a very early age, he knows how to get what he wants. He is quite a handful now but I love him dearly. He's my world... he's my life... he's my everything!



Though he still is under constant check-up and lifetime medication for his hypothyroidism, he gets better everyday. He is scheduled for operation for his cleft palate / pierre robin syndrome in June. After the operation, he will be as normal as he should be.


And what have I learned from all of these? That motherhood is no joke. It is hard work but at the same time, it is fun. No high-paying job can equate the joy it brings. It changes you in a lot of ways. It helps you become a better person. Thank God for babies!